So Mother’s day has come and gone and I enjoyed the day with my little one , my hubby and family. Savvy has been with us 8 months now and she is settling in so nicely, so much so that sometimes it’s easy to forget that we are still technically considered her foster parents and she is in foster care. I was reminded of that several time by well meaning people at church and from family. From the beginning I have introduced Savvy as my daughter, and these people are people that I have known my entire life, so they know that she is being adopted. Multiple people asked if her adoption has been finalized and although they mean well and all of the comments were positive it was a reminder that she isn’t legally our yet and at any moment things could change and she could be taken. For 8 months I haven’t really given that idea much thought, our chance encounter and her subsequent placement with me was too perfect, and orchestrated by God himself. Yesterday was the first time I had really pondered it and a bit of fear began to creep in. I am trying my hardest to press it back down and remain faithful because in my heart of hearts I know she is ours, and we are hers.
If you read my last post, I wondered if I should be celebrating Mother’s day, I haven’t quite been feeling like a Mom, in fact I told my husband that I almost felt like a fraud. I am still carrying baggage from infertility even though we have been blessed with this little girl. Please don’t get it twisted; because you adopt does not mean that all your struggles and feeling about infertility disappear; they don’t. Despite trying my best to move forward it still rears it’s head at times. I am forever grateful and thankful that God chose us to parent and love this little spicy and sassy 2 yr old, she has certainly changed our lives…..for the better. She is the reason that I get up, the reason that I don’t stop when I get home in the afternoons until she is feed, bathed and in bed; she is a gift, a light, a blessing. So why have I been feeling like a fraud? The irrational part of me feel like I didn’t give birth to her so how can I really celebrate Mother’s Day? These thoughts have lingered for weeks but this morning it all changed. We went about our morning as usual with me dropping Savvy off to daycare, prepared to hug her, kiss her, tell her I loved her and rush off to work, but before I could leave she gave me this! This beautiful jar with bumble bee’s on the outside (which she is totally obsessed with at the moment) with a cut out of her hand print at the top with Happy Mother’s Day 2017 with a huge hug and kiss. I could hardly contain the tears and I hastily made my exit. Once I got to my car, I could not stop crying, I had just received my first Mother’s Day gift from my daughter, for some reason at that moment it felt real. My rational brain kicked in and reminded me that the fact that I did not give birth to her does not make me any less of her mother. I love, nurture and protect her daily; that make me Mom.
Let me start by saying that I have the best Mother EVER!!!! and I am so thankful for her, she truly sets the example for me on how to be a mother, in fact sometime when I think about her I feel a little inadequate. This is the first Mother’s day that I can celebrate right? Then why don’t I feel excited about it? In fact why did I almost forget that I can celebrate for the first time this year? I think it’s because I still don’t feel quite like a Mom, maybe because we are still technically foster parents (and we get called that often) the TPR hearing was continued…..for the second time, so that delays the social workers ability to begin the adoption paperwork. I don’t feel like I have the right to be called a mother even though I do all the things that a Mother does. I know if you are reading this you probably think I sound crazy but I thought I would be so excited about it. I finally can stop hiding on Mother’s day, I can stop being annoyed by all the Happy Mother’s day greeting from all of those people who didn’t know that I so desperately wanted to be a mother but I just couldn’t get pregnant. I no longer have to skip out on church where all the Mother’s in the church are asked to stand and be recognized, or receive a rose for being the one thing that I had no control over but so badly wanted. What is my problem? My husband keeps asking me how I want to celebrate my first mothers day but I have nothing.
So we were scheduled for court last Thursday for our TPR hearing (termination of parental rights). It began as a day of mixed emotions for me; excited that we were moving along and may have Savvy’s adoption completed by July1st but also sad for her parents, sad that they couldn’t get it together enough to keep her, sad that she would not see them again for quite a while, and possibly never again, sad that she would have so many questions that I would probably be unable to answer; however this is where we were. We didn’t go to court that day so I waited and waited for the social worker to contact me but no call or text. Finally around 5pm I contacted her to see if the case had been heard. She informed me that the case had been heard earlier in the day but the birthfather stated that he had just been diagnosed with cancer and had an MRI scheduled that morning; the judged allowed him to go to his appointment but he was instructed to come back at 2 and to bring a Dr. note. At this point I feel terrible, he has cancer and what if she is never able to see him again? By this time it is 5:30 and although he retuned to court the case had not been called, at 6:30 I heard from the social worker again, he indeed returned to court but without a note so now the questions is, does he really have cancer, did he go to the Dr. or is he just stalling? The case was continued to June15th and I was SUPER annoyed. Savvy has been in foster care for 3 years and even though 2 months isn’t a long time in the grand scheme of things since when does the birthparent dictate court? He hasn’t done anything that he has been instructed to do, he has not job and no place for her to live. My social worker was livid and thinks that he does not have cancer at all. My husband was less emotional about it than me, he said he had a feeling that the case would get continued. So now that means more visits for Savvy which are beginning to confuse her a bit, she has 2 people telling her that they are her daddy; although the social work said at the last visit that she informed her birthfather that her daddy’s name was James. Anyhoo, here we are waiting for June and hoping for the best.
It’s been 5 months why am I still missing my old life pre-little one? I’ve been wanting this for 10 years, where is the complete bliss I was expecting? Why instead am I wound so tight? Why am I beating myself up that I don’t feel complete bliss? Over the course of 10 years I created this idea of what I thought this would be like; 5 months ago reality set in, I have a 2 yr old and I found out that she has her own little mind, she is exploring and becoming independent and I do not want to hinder that in anyway but boy does it test my patience at times. I love her but sometimes I don’t like this season that she is in. It’s hard. I find myself dreading picking her up from daycare because some days she is excited and runs to me when she sees me and other days she cries but I know the tears mean she is having fun and wants to continue playing. Drop offs in the mornings are equally stressful because she is clingy and cries when I try to leave her. Her teacher assures me that she is fine immediately after I am gone and I believe that but it’s still hard. I am also responsible for bath and bed time and that is never fun because she doesn’t want to take a bath because she know that after bath comes bed time. Any suggestions on how to make bath and bed time fun? I am adamant about bed time and sticking to the schedule, my husband is more relaxed, in fact last night after I told her to go and tell him good night he spent 10 minutes listening to her whine and asking he why she didn’t want to go to bed instead of walking her to her room where I was waiting to sit with her until she is asleep. He says bedtime should be a loving time ( Thanks dear that made me feel better about myself)! She clings to him when she doesn’t want to do what I’ve asked her to do, mainly bath, bed, and getting ready in the mornings. IT’S FRUSTURATING!
She is a wonderful little girl and I know that her behavior is typical for her age the issue is me and letting go of what life was like for me when I could cook dinner without interruption, get ready and get out the door to work or wherever without trying to coax someone else to let me comb hair or put clothes on. I had no idea this transition would be so hard and I am beating myself up because I don’t feel like I thought I would feel, beating myself up because my patience is being tested, beating myself up because my husband thinks I am so wound up that I am not fun to be around anymore. I am stressed and right now I am not enjoying this journey.
I haven’t written in FOREVER; I guess I didn’t have much to talk about but that has changed. A lot has happened since my last post and I wanted to share and use this space to talk about it. I am officially a Mom! We are currently fostering to adopt a very lively 2 year old little girl. Here is how it happened.
Last September a co-worker began talking about her friend who was licensed to foster and that she had just gotten the call that her social worker would be bringing a little girl who’s case was moving to terminate parental rights and eventually adoption. I had met her friend and was excited for her but at the same time wondered how she got the call so quickly after being licensed and we had been waiting roughly a year for a baby or toddler. As the week progressed the foster mom struggled with the transition of having a toddler who was clingy and would not let her out of her sight coupled with the fact that she already had a pretty independent 4-year-old little boy. She felt like she wasn’t bonding with her little girl and she knew that it may not be in the best interest of this little one to adopt her. One day she came in for a visit and bought her into my office to meet me. Instantly I felt a connection to her, she was so friendly. After they left my co-worker told me that they had decided not to keep her, the bonding just wasn’t happening. I immediately said “I will take her!” I hadn’t spoken to my husband or anything, I just knew I wanted her. I gave her my social workers information and to make a long story short within a week she was living with us. She truly walked into my life when I least expected it, in a way that I could not have imagined or ignored.
Fast forward it has been 5 months now and I must admit that I was not at all prepared! Life is so different and the transition for me has been much harder than for my husband. I did not at all realize how hard it would be to give up my old life of laying on the couch watching TV uninterrupted, cooking or not cooking, and attending whatever social event I wanted without thought of someone else and to be honest I miss it. Couple that with the terrible two’s; her favorite words are NO, I can do it and I don’t want to, and not to mention the whining when she does not get her way, and while all of that can be trying I also know that she is settling in wonderfully, she loves hugs, kisses and snuggling, and I am so thankful that she is bonding with us. I love her immensly but I do not like the terrible two’s. I didn’t realize how short on patience I was and she is teaching me about patience and unconditional love. We rarely get a break since we do not live near family and we are weary of letting others keep her but we have to establish that connections because it is vital that my husband and I remain connected and I maintain my sanity.
All in all, it is great to have her, I know that she was meant just for me, in fact everyone comments that she looks just like me, I always say thank you and smile to myself because God is truly amazing and he did this.
Today I feel like I’m being stalked by beautiful babies! Everywhere I look I see babies. It got me to thinking. I just turned 43 May 2nd, and at this point I don’t know when I will become a Mom. I know women are having babies at a much older age, look at Janet Jackson! I thought about how I may never see my son or daughter get married or have a grandchild because I’m older! What about the responsibility of taking care of older parents? What if it’s our only child? Is it fair? These rainy days without sun make me think way to much. The sun has to be just beneath theses clouds, I hope it shines again soon.
It’s been a while since I’ve posted and a lot has happened. Here is the rundown.
- I had my second Abdominal Myomectomy
- Removed 43 fibroid tumors, had excessive bleeding and have to have UAE as well
- Went through my second round of IVF but only produced 2 good follicles so cycle was cancelled. IUI was not successful
- Found out both tubes are blocked due to scar tissue from surgery and ovaries are possibly adhered to the back of my uterus. Blocked tubes explains partially why IUI was unsuccessful.
That is the short version. Since finding out that both tubes are blocked we have decided that after 10 years, multiple surgeries, IUI’s, and IVF cycles that we are done. Not giving up on having a child but instead we have done all that we can do, now it is up to God. The strange thing is that I feel a sense of relief. It’s not that I don’t want my baby, it’s that I’ve (we’ve) done everything, we won’t look back with regret and “say we should have tried that.” We are considering adoption and in fact have an appointment with an agency next week so I will keep you posted.
This morning a dear friend was hesitant to tell me that a mutual acquaintance was now expecting her second child. As I flashed back to the past 10 years of trying to conceive I thought about all of the women who suffer from infertility, we stand on the sidelines as friends, family, acquaintances and coworkers realize their dream of becoming mommie. It can be difficult at times to watch even if you know it’s someone who has traveled on the infertility journey with you. It’s from the sidelines that you wonder ” Why not me?” “What did I do wrong?” “When will it be my turn?” It’s so easy to let those thoughts and feelings take over and I can’t honestly say that I haven’t had those same feeling myself but I don’t let the linger, I remind myself that it’s not my time but hers and that’s the baby that is meant for her and not me. The sideline is hard but I’m not giving up, I’m happy for those expectant moms because I hope that someone will be equally happy for me when it’s my turn, and it will come because #GODisAble #HEwontfail
Baby showers are not my thing! I generally avoid them like the plague when at all possible. I quickly bow out gracefully. This past Sunday I was unable to, I had to put on my big girl panties and go…..I was miserable. I was surrounded by moms and their cute kids….well not really but there were 3 Moms there with really cute babies and when you are infertile 3 means totally surrounded. One mom has the cutest 13 month old and I know that she and her hubby adopted him a year ago, I was dying to ask about her experience and the agency she used or if she adopted through foster care because I knew that at one point they were fostering. I held my composure, I don’t really know this woman and it of course did not come up in conversation. Anyways as I was driving to the baby shower I had my plan all together, I would drop off my gift and come up with a reason why I could not stay but when I got there, there weren’t many people so I was stuck, it would have looked awful if I’d left…or so I thought, so I stayed. I endured baby bingo, cutting yarn in an attempt to guess the size of the expectant mother, the opening of baby gifts and the reading of cards. As I sat there I felt out of place and a bit incomplete. One thing about infertility is that it’s extremely lonely. You can’t understand if you haven’t been there. When I left I felt drained, On the way home I called my husband and he was so impressed that I’d gone and that I’d stayed that I didn’t even bother to tell him that I felt horrible. I went directly to the grocery store to prepare for dinner. I’ve found that when I’m stressed I find peace when I cook, so I picked a random somewhat healthy recipe and proceeded to cook most of the afternoon. By 9pm I was feeling better.
I know one day I am going to look back on this time in my life and hopefully know why I had to endure maybe, hopefully one days I will be a better Mom for having gone through this.
I know that we’ve done all that we can possibly do. We have completed the foster/adoption certification and now we wait! That is so hard for me. For more than 7 years, I’ve been doing SOMETHING. Now all I can do is wait. Recently one of my friends completed the adoption process and had a adoption shower; she posted pictures on Facebook and I’m so happy for her family, she has waited a long time, she trusted in God and his timing and he blessed them with a beautiful little girl whom she adopted through foster care. As happy as I am for her it just reminds me that I still have to wait. So while I wait my prayer is that wherever my child is right now that God will protect him/her for anything bad that may be going on and that they know that their past does not define their future. I pray that he will equip us and give us the guidance needed to raise the child/children that he is going to bless us with.